Cockney Rhyming Slang – The Dictionary

A la mode – Code

Abergavenny – Penny

Able and Willing – Shilling

Ace of Spades – AIDS

Adam and Eve – Believe

Adam and the Ants – Pants

Air Gunner – Stunner

Airs and Graces – Faces/Braces

Al Caponed  -Stoned

Al Pacino – Cappucino

Alan Whickers – Knickers

Alexander Hleb – Pleb

Ali G – Pee

Apple Bobbing – Robbing

Bacardi Breezer – Geezer

Barney Rubble – Trouble

Bacon Rind – Mind

Bag for Life – Wife

Bangers and Mash – Trash/Slash

Barry Cluff – Rough

Basement Jaxx- Tracks

Benny Hills – Pills

Bill Roffie – Coffee

Bill and Ben  - Ten

Billy Goat – Coat

Bow and Arrow – Sparrow/ Barrow

Brown Bread – Dead

Bull and Cow – Row

Calvin Klein – Fiiiiine

Cheddar Cheese – Keys

Cherry Pie – Lie

Chew the Fat – Chat

Charlie Drake – Steak

Crown Jewels – Tools

Dad’s Army – Barmy

David Blaine  - Insane

Daffy Ducked – Guess this one… 

Darren Day – Gay

Danny La Rue – Clue

Dead Ringer –  Minger

Deaf and Dumb – Bum

Deep Sea Diver – Fiver

Dodge and Swerve – Perv

Dog and Bone – Phone

Dolly Mixtures – Pictures

Donald Trump – Hump (to be in a bad mood O_O)

Donnie Darko – Sparko (Sleep)

Duke of York – Fork

Eddie Grundies – Undies

Eighteen Pence – Sense

Elsie Tanner – Spanner

Eyes of Blue – True

Fat Boy Slim – Gym

Fawlty Tower – Shower

Filter Tips – Lips

Fleatwood Mac – Back

Fly a Kite – Shite

Frank Skinner – Dinner

Fruit and Nuts – Guts

Fur Rugs – Drugs

Garden Hose – Nose

Garden Tool – Fool

Gary Glitter – Bitter (beer)

Gay and Frisky – Whiskey

Favourite Quotes…

“I need that like a hole in the bollock!”

“She sucks me in! She’s like a dyson!”

“Sometimes you don’t know what you’re looking for, but that’s the time to be the first one on the dance floor.”

“Youve got to hold and give/But do it at the right time/You can be slow or fast/But you must get to the line/They’ll always hit you and hurt you/Defend and attack/There’s only one way to beat them/Get round the back/So catch me if you can/Cos Im the england man/And what you’re looking at/Is the master plan/We ain’t no hooligans/This aint a football song/Three lions on my chest/I know we cant go wrong/Singing for England! ENGLAND!”

“I could’ve eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!”

“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”

“What’s the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!”

“U.S. President George W. Bush…is a retarded cowboy fella… who in England…wouldn’t be trusted with scissors.”

“Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage”

“Maybe there won’t be marriage, maybe there won’t be sex, but by God there’ll be dancing!”

“It’s amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.”

“You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.”

“May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us — may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.”

“I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.”

“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

“Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire…so, that’s fun. And that’s funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!”

“We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won’t!”

“Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.”

“Cause you Americans think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with f**kin’ castles. We just long for an apartment or something.”

“Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.”

“I think I have monogamy. I must have caught it from you people.”

“And the National Rifle Association says that, “Guns don’t kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, “Bang!” That’s not going to kill too many people, is it? You’d have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…”

The pain in the heart

Ever since i was little my mother always had a sixth sense when it came to me; call it whatever you want – mother’s instinct or just plain psychic? She always knew when there was something wrong with me or when something bad was going to happen. When i wanted to go to martial arts she told me she didn’t want me to go that night. I broke my wrist that evening. When i went back to England she was worried all the time. She told me to be careful when i saw some of my old friends, that they would have secrets. I found out something terrible about my old best friend that holiday. When i have a physical pain, my mum always knows no matter where i am. She tells me she feels it too. She says that if my stomach hurts, then so does hers. She knows when i’m depressed or sad. She knows when i’m angry or upset. She knows when i’ve had bad news, or if i’m worried. I don’t have to tell her these things, i don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. But recently she’s started getting a pain in her heart. I was worried at first, thinking she has something wrong with her heart. But she doesn’t. It’s not a physical pain, its an aching. She says it’s me. That i’m going to have a pain in my heart. That i’m going to get an ache. Normally i would disregard it, but now i’m worried. I can’t afford to be heartbroken in a place like this. But whenever i say that, my mum just says “honey, you can’t stop the pain in the heart.” 

Every woman wants a Mr Rochester

Although we may deny it, its a fact, women want the Mr Rochester-types of the population. Let’s face it, we like the slightly obnoxious, tactless, awkward types who don’t have a clue because we know that deep down they are sweeties. I mean, what is it that makes us attracted to them? In my opinion its that they have that dominating thing. It happens a lot in a relationship, even in flirting. Women pretend to want to be the head of the relationship but really, every woman wants a man who is strong and will look after her. So what we really want is an impossible mix: A man who is submissive and lets us make decisions and take over when we want to, yet looks after us and will be strong and dominant when we want them to be. Its something that you don’t find often. And as well as this, they have to know exactly when we want them to be either of these two beings at exactly the right time without us having to tell them. 

That’s a lot to ask for in a person really. Its silly, women can’t do all that, let alone men. Even the psychology of holding hands, intertwining fingers with your boyfriend/husband, you are locking yourself to him. When he puts his arm around you its a protective thing, when he stands with you he is still holding on to you in some way. This is partly territorial, warning other men that you are there’s, and partly protective, they are just looking after you, keeping you from being harmed by keeping you close to them. 

Now, although i’ve taken martial arts for years and was in the junior military so i know how to break bones in a few seconds and use a rifle, i still like to feel looked after and protected. Even if i could protect myself, its nice to have a dominant male with you on a dark and empty street. Although Jane Eyre is about a feisty orphan girl who makes her way in life despite maltreatment and having no money, when Mr Rochester comes along, even she falls for his tactless and grim personality. But even so, even if the males of the population are usually the head of the house, women are the neck. And the neck can turn the head any way she wants.

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle

A couple were arrested in the grounds of Windsor castle after they were caught having sexual intercourse on the lawn of Windsor castle in full view of many people. To make it worse, the Queen was in residence at the time, although her “boudoir” is on the other side so hopefully she wasn’t aware of the little “show” outside. A pair of Japanese tourists filmed the scene for 20 minutes before the couple were arrested, and many soldiers were watching from the windows. Across the street, many people could see the scene from cars, shops and the street. It attracted quite an audience.  

Now these people weren’t making a political statement, they weren’t angry at the Queen, they weren’t looking for anything out of it, they simply got carried away. Despite the people watching, commenting and even filming, the two did not stop. They only stopped when they were confronted with two armed police officers who arrived in range rovers to separate the couple and remove them from the premises. The two were arrested and made to spend the night in jail for their actions.

What a great crime. Imagine talking about that in jail. When everyone says what they did, one man is a murderer, you’ve got a couple of thieves, a vandal, and maybe a druggie or two. “What did you do?”, they’ll ask. “We had sex in the Queen’s garden.” THAT, my friends, is a great answer. 

Insignificant Jewels

Everyone has little things in their life that they cannot live without. It might be an old T-Shirt or a teddy bear, everyone has things. It turns out, i have lots. The first thing i can’t live without is my Mr Happy T-shirt. It was my aunts, then my mums, then my sisters and now it’s mine. My sister gave it to me before i came to Korea, she told me whenever i wore that T-shirt, i wasn’t allowed to be unhappy. So now, whenever i am sad, i put on the T-Shirt and i feel better.

The next thing i can’t live without are my DVDs of The Mighty Boosh. I went to see them live at Christmas but i’ve been in love with the Boosh Boys for years now. They rock your socks. And if i ever meet them properly, i may die of excitement. 

What else can’t i live without? Gavin and Stacey! I live off gavin and Stacey. Nessa and Smithy are, ironically, the best characters. I love them.. both… equally. I would die if someone took my DVDs. DIE!

My Geoffrey Giraffe is also INCREDIBLY important to me. If anyone touches Geoffrey, i will kill them. He is my mascot. My mum got him for me from America. He is named after my Granddad, not because my granddad looks like a giraffe but just because it is a very british name. 

My cowboy boots, although they are old and kind of falling apart, i love them. They are brown with white stitching. I got them about two years ago and they still fit. I think i’ll cry when they officially ruin. 

Now, that isn’t it. I have more. And i’m sure you all do too. Insignificant jewels are things that we love but that others would disregard in a heartbeat. What are your insignificant jewels?

Chocolate Is Punishment

Now this is mainly aimed at the girls, but guys if you are interested, i’m not here to judge. How many of you eat chocolate when you’re down? Or watch a sad movie? Or lay on the couch feeling sorry for yourself? All of us do it. And it works doesn’t it? Well, it works until the next day when you wake up feeling fat because you stuffed your face with Ben and Jerry’s and chocolate last night, and feeling even worse because you keep asking yourself why you can’t find a guy like Jack from Titanic. Chocolate is a form of punishment, it’s a predator really. It looks good, it tastes good, it lures you in when you are most vulnerable, and then it STRIKES when your guard is down causing you to have to spend the next three weeks dieting and doing crunches while you watch Oprah to try and stimulate your life again. And yet, even though we know this, we still succumb to chocolate. We still lay and watch the weepy films and eat the pint of ice cream. And why? Because it works. Despite the fact that we know we will wake up the next morning feeling slightly sick, it’s SO worth it at the time. 

 

The evil saint...

There are other things too, things that were sent to trick women into loving them. High heels. High heels must have been invented by a man, I mean, come on! They are painful, restricting, and god damn beautiful. They make you look taller, make your feet more dainty, they look good with EVERYTHING. They are basically genius, except for the fact that they hurt like hell on earth. And no matter how many times you wear them, your feet never get used to them. But we still wear them repeating the same outdated, unfair phrase in our head as we block out the pain pooling in the balls of our feet, “pain is beauty, pain is beauty, pain is beauty…”. 

Liquid eyeliner… It takes YEARS to put on, and you stab yourself in the eye a hundred times before it finally goes on in a wiggly line. After several attempts, a vaguely acceptable line appears over your eyelid that is almost completely shrouded by the puffy red eye surrounding it. Its difficult, but when it’s finally on, it looks gorgeous. It’s so worth it.

Now, i’m not saying that we shouldn’t use them. I do this stuff too, every girl does. It’s just important to know about all of the down sides. Yet, even while knowing these down sides, we don’t care. I certainly don’t.

The Wonder Bra

A 57 year old woman in Detroit was lucky enough to live after being shot at with a bullet that would have killed her. After she saw three teenagers trying to break into her neighbour’s house, one of the teen robbers saw her and fired a shot at her. The bullet bounced off the underwire in the woman’s bra and slowed enough that she only received very minor injuries. She was released from hospital the very same day.

Now THAT is what i’m talking about! A woman saved by her own bra? That is the coolest thing i have ever heard. I knew there must be some alternate reason for the bra. Why else would man have invented an uncomfortable restraint on our chest? Women have been worried about bras increasing breast cancer when in fact, they save lives. Now that is something to think about when you next go underwear shopping. Maybe we should all look for bras with really big underwire, as a bullet shield. I’ll tell you one thing, i’m damn proud i’m a woman, a guy would look a little stupid in a bra. 

 

Bullet Shield... in lilac

TV plan to find Jade musical star…

Yes, you’re reading it right. They are actually finding someone to play Jade Goody in a MUSICAL of her life. A musical. When has Jade Goody ever sung? Why does it need to be a musical? Now don’t get me wrong, i think it’s awful that she died, she was too young. But really, do we need to remember her time on big brother with a MUSICAL? What else was she famous for really? That’s where it started right? There won’t be much of a story, i mean, a young girl grows up with a dream of being famous. She applies for a reality TV show and is chosen because she is very dippy and that is entertaining to watch. She became famous for the same reason, along with her loud mouth, went through a few men as everyone does, and then got cancer.

I mean, i think its great that people are going to be more aware of cancer if this happens, but what about other people who died of illnesses? Like John Travolta’s son, or Jerry Orbach from Law and Order. What about Nat King Cole, Patricia Mirand, even Wendy Richard from Eastenders. I mean, these people have all done a lot with their lives, and its fair to say that most of them have done considerably more than Jade Goody did and yet they don’t get a musical. I know she was young, but i think that many people are going to go for just a laugh and that isn’t how someone should be remembered. People aren’t going to forget Jade Goody any time soon, that’s for sure. You don’t need someone to parade around singing about being on Big Brother to make people remember her in a good way. 

 

Jade Goody

Football Vs Rugby..?

It’s the number one question in a pub in England, Football or Rugby? Men will continue to argue over which is the best, or most manly sport. Well, i’m going to give my girly opinion on the subject and objectively look at both sports. 

Firstly, lets get to the most girly thing about each sport, the only thing we care about, the menfolk. What do the guys look like? Well, i guess that depends on your type. Personally, footballers look a little girly for me. The rugby players look more manly, with built muscles and deep voices. They don’t muck about with their hair all the time like the footie boys do. So for me, i prefer the Rugby men. However, if you like that waxed, pruned, and hair straightened look in a guy, then footie is for you! 

Next, injuries. When a football player gets an injury, there is all hell to pay, but when a rugby player gets injured, he carries on playing. I can prove this, remember in the last Rugby World Cup, Cheval got his forehead split open and carried on playing. But when Renaldo was kicked in the shin, he had to be carried off in a stretcher. Who seems more manly?

But if you’re looking for a well structured game, i would guess that football was your game, the constant scrums every few steps in Rugby can be a little tiring after a while, the aggression is a little over the top for the faint-hearted. 

Fans. Thats a huge part of a sport. And, like the first, Rugby wins hands down. How many drunken footie fans do you see crawling the streets on a Saturday after the big game looking for a fight? Too many. The rugby fans are a lot more… sophisticated… for want of a better word. It tends to be more about the actual game rather than the unfairness of the ref. 

What else is there? The wives. Footballers wives are much better looking than the Rugby wives. Also, football players get more publication. Their image is slashed across deodorant and hair wax cans, razors and sports wear, yet the only rugby players we see anywhere other that the pitch are Wilkison and Henneson because they are both… in a word… beautiful. 

Rugby players stick to their teams! they don’t bugger off to L.A or Madrid to play over there instead unlike SOME people. But football players are more graceful. They look a little better in a tux too. And they don’t get that cauliflower ear thing like rugby players, because there is not denying that its gross. 

So who wins? Well personally, i don’t care. I prefer Rugby because the men are better looking and the shorts are shorter. The rest is up to you.